Normalize Loving Life & Not Always Having Fun

After months of sleepless nights, Peter and I finally started sleep training - and I genuinely feel like our entire family is coming out of a fog. I’m sharing the emotional reality of those first few nights, why finally getting sleep has somehow made me feel even more exhausted, and the ways sleep deprivation affected how I saw myself as a mom.

Then I’m diving into the conflicting emotions that come with living inside the life you once dreamed about. I can feel both incredibly grateful and completely overwhelmed. I can miss an old chapter without wanting it back. Visualizing and praying for a season doesn’t mean it won’t still be tough in ways we never expected.

Plus, a few summer TV and book chat, some classic RHONY nostalgia, and why I’m officially declaring it a hot girl fall.

Website: hanaostapchuk.com

Instagram: @hanaostapchuk

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello everyone, welcome into Hey Hannah. I'm your host, Hannah O'Stop Jack House. I just drank an iced coffee so quickly that like my tongue is a little numb. Has that ever happened to anyone? I feel like I'm talking very strangely. But I'm gonna keep it moving. Hi, how is everyone? What's going on? Oh my gosh, you guys, I feel like this past week I've lived 27 different lives. Let me just explain. I couldn't, I couldn't drop an episode last week, not because I didn't try. I just need to say that. I recorded probably I think five different times in an attempt to piece together one episode. I never got around to even finishing the episode. Like I was going through it last week. And this all had to do with my child's lack of sleep, aka my lack of sleep, because you know, we are the same right now. If she's not sleeping at night, neither am I. And then the naps got really bad. Oh my God, I don't even know where to begin. The napping last week was one of those things where, like, I would put her down, and then probably 10 minutes later, she would erupt, and then I would be up there rocking her, trying to get her back to sleep. I'd be up there for like an hour and a half, and then she finally fell asleep again. She fell asleep for like 15 minutes. So Peter and I did the thing that we thought was impossible. We finally decided it was time to officially sleep train. Now, before I had babies, I did not know that this existed. Like I knew that people did things to help their baby sleep, but like I didn't really understand. And like even my mom talking to her about it, she's like, we didn't call it sleep training. We just like let the baby cry it out. I'm like, yeah, I guess that's what everyone used to do. Nowadays, there's a few different programs you can choose from in terms of helping your baby and like what works best for your family. We ultimately choose one that's called taking care of babies. We did this because it was the one that was top of mind. I had heard about it the most. My friends had recently done it, and I just knew that it was successful for a lot of people in my circle. So it felt safe. I know the crying out method is like a little hot and cold with people. I really think it's like whatever works best for your family, and then just leave it at that. Like nobody should have any opinions about anyone else's family, period. Just like live your life only, okay? Did I want to let her cry it out? No. But that's what the program essentially taught you to do in a very gentle way. So you go in every five minutes, every 10 minutes, every 15 minutes, and sort of help her calm her, let her know you're still there, like you're watching them on the monitor, like everything is fine. They are safe, they are healthy, they're in the best, safest place for them to be in your house, you know, like they're in their crib. And you just have to sort of wait it out a little bit in these like gentle reminding increments. Does that make any sense? I feel like that was a little word salady, but whatever. Anyways, I'm here to report. I'm a new woman. I'm a new woman. My family is a new family. My baby is a new baby. We decided to do this on Friday night only because I was at my wit's end. Peter came home late from work that night, and I sort of was like, okay, we're doing this. I look like I was coming down from a sort of like caffeine explosion. I was like shaking. I was like, we have to do this tonight. He's like, okay, we had already done all of the videos and all of the reading and all the research he could do for this program. But let me tell you, it was not a walk in the park that first night. You have to like prepare yourself to hear your baby crying again in these increments. But like, holy heck, I needed to take a lap. I at one point I was like, should I throw myself down the stairs? I think that'll help. Like, I didn't know what to do. I was at the top of my limit in terms of anxiety. Not only was I already anxious to begin with, because I just hadn't slept all week, like last week was crazy. It was like the four-month sleep regression times 20. Not only was last week a little cuckoo because her sleep was so bad, but then to just tack on like the end of the week, we decide to do the sleep training thing, which brings your anxiety from like a zero to 60 in a matter of seconds. Cause you just have to like hear your baby cry, which is instinctively the worst sound in the entire world as a new mom. As any mom. Also, like as any person, you know, you guys have been in on an airplane, you hear the baby crying, you're like, oh my God, it's torture. It's truly torture. But you know what else is torture? Not sleeping. That's what got me through. So, yeah, the very first five-minute interval that we had to hear her cry, I was so in fight or flight. I could not take the feeling of anxiousness. But when I tell you guys, we didn't even make it to the first 15-minute interval and she fell asleep. I won't even get to all the details here. I did a TikTok explaining the play-by-play of what went down on night one. If you are a new mom, if you're in this stage, like seriously call me. I will tell you anything you need to know about this process. We have done it for four nights now, and I just am here to report. She's a new baby. We're a new family. Yeah, we sleep now. And I can't believe it. The first night, she woke up like five times, and each time she fell back asleep very quickly, like within 20, 30 minutes. And so to some people, they might be like, 20, 30 minutes, that's not quick. Well, it is for me. She before that, she was probably taking two hours to fall asleep. And again, it's so different for every family. Andy has notoriously just been a bad sleeper. Sleep has not come easy for my baby since she was born. She has always struggled with sleep. And you know the thing that happens when you haven't slept in so long. And then suddenly you go on vacation and you get sick on vacation, and you're so groggy and run down your vacation. You're like, oh my God, I can't like wake up. That's how I feel right now. It's like my body is finally coming down from living in fight or flight for a few months, and my nervous system is sort of leveling out. And I just feel like I'm coming out of the fog. I've been really groggy and just like really sleepy and so hungry. But again, it's my body just relaxing and finally catching up on the exhaustion that I've felt this entire time and not feeling like I'm moving on super speed autopilot out of my like high cortisol, you know. Anyways. And what's funny is Andy's been operating similarly to me. Like I could tell she's sleepier, but in like a very happy way. Like she just wants to take these like healthy naps now. And she goes to sleep, wakes up at a decent hour. Like everything is just moving in more of a rhythm instead of me just waking up and going to sleep thinking, I wonder what's gonna happen in the next few hours, you know? Because that was always my life. Always my life. I sound so dramatic. It was like almost five months of my life, but whatever. Anyways, that's my life update. And I'm so happy to report this. I'm happy to be coming out of this tunnel. I feel like I'm like, oh my God, what's everyone been doing? How's everyone's summer been going? I personally feel like summer has not been summering for me. And then that's again because I've been in this sort of sleepless, newborn fog for quite some time now. I told everyone, I thought for sure, like having a spring baby, that I would be having like a hot girl summer. And boy, was I wrong. I need more time. I'm gonna have a hot girl fall. Is anyone with me? I don't know if that is like the chewgiest thing I've ever said. I don't really care. I think that in the fall is when I'm really gonna be feeling a little bit more like myself now that I'm sleeping. So then it's like, oh, maybe I could attempt to go to the gym now, you know? Maybe I can like attempt to think about food in a healthy way instead of just consuming anything in front of me. I don't know if that'll really change, but whatever. Yeah. I hope everyone is having a really good summer out there. If you are, like, God bless you, you're doing so great. If you feel like you've really been enjoying this summer, I can't believe it's like halfway through July now. I say this every episode, but like I get stressed out that summer is passing us by. But again, I'm not gonna let it stress me out because I'm gonna tell myself we're gonna have a hot girl fall. That is like so bad. I need another word for that. I sound like I'm living in 2016, but I can't help it. I'm looking forward to having a fall where I feel more like myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and I feel like I'm thriving as a mom. That, by the way, is the biggest part about this sleep training thing that I was looking forward to. Because I felt like these past few months, I couldn't even be the mom that I always visualized myself being because I was so tired and so frustrated. And your hormones are crazy pants central station all over the place. But then on top of that, you're not sleeping. So then it's like, who am I in these reactions? Why am I reacting with anger sometimes? Like just experiencing a part of myself that I never thought I would experience. All of that to say, I felt like lack of sleep was making me a version of myself I wasn't happy with. We've all been there, right? You spend your whole life visualizing the type of mom you're gonna be. And again, I'm only in the very beginning stage with this. I know. It's a long journey ahead. But I just felt like I wasn't this mom that I always visualize being. And I was getting angry at myself, but it was like I was just running on fumes. And it took a few decent nights of sleep for me to see that. Okay, what else is going on? Let me talk some TV updates really quickly. You guys know I'm a Bravo girl. I feel like the Bravo, the good Bravo TV is done for a little bit. I know in the cities on, I cannot get into it. I don't know why. By the way, they all party in my old neighborhood. It's so funny to watch. There's like a few places that I used to frequent, truly on my block. One of them is called Bandit. It was the greatest place in the whole world until someone posted it on TikTok. Mother of Pearl. I was so annoyed. I one day I went there and there was a line at the door. I was like, excuse me, who are you people? What are you doing at my bar? It was right down the street from where I lived in the West Village. And the minute it opened, I would bring everybody there all the time. My coworkers, dates, girlfriends, everything. It got to the point where the bartender knew that it would be like my second date, my third date with a guy, or he'd be like, ooh, Hannah, this one's cute. And I would be like mortified. In fact, when I met Peter, I purposely did not bring him to Bandit because I didn't want the bartender to make a comment about how I had been there earlier this week. I was like, I didn't want Peter to think that I was like, you know, out drinking all the time. But it was like my local watering hole, you know, it was my cheers. There you go. But, anyways, I I hear it on the show, they're at Bandit all the time. They're at this other bar that I used to go to, also right down the street. And for all these reasons, I should want to watch it, but for some reason, I'm just not interested. I can't really get into it. So because I feel like I've been really in the need of some Bravo things, I went back and turned on season seven of Real Housewives of New York. And let me tell you, that delivered. If you're a Bravo person and you need to pick me up right now, make a note. When you have a minute, go to Peacock and turn on season seven, Real Housewives of New York. It is Dorinda Medley's first season, which is classic. She's like introducing herself to Sonia and Bethany. You really can't get any better than that. It's Bethany's first season back after her divorce and everything. She's like trying to find an apartment. Um, Carol's on the show. Heather, Holla Heather is on the show. Ramona's in the early stages of her divorce. Luann just broke up with Jacques. I whatever. You guys, it's it's so good. Just trust me on it. That plus sleep has healed me. Really. Okay, no, but outside of Bravo, Peter and I have been watching four seasons. I talked about this in the last episode. It's a very cute show on Netflix. It's an easy watch. The humor is quick, not too cheesy. And there's something about the tone of the show that makes it really peaceful. I don't know how to explain that. The concept is three different couples vacationing together throughout the four seasons of the year. And you're watching how their lives change and webb and you know how each relationship is struggling, and one of the relationships has a breakup, and there's a new person coming to the vacations, all of that. It's based on the old movie from I think it's the early 80s, late 70s, with Carol Burnett and the guy from MASH, Rita Moreno. Anyways, it's a great watch. I highly suggest it. It's on season two. I was really, really annoyed with how season one ended. I'm not gonna say anything, but I was pissed. I actually was gonna boycott the show. I was like, I don't think I should watch this anymore. But Peter's like, no, we should keep watching it. It's a good show. And I'm here to confirm that it still is a very great show and they did a good job. But like, poor decisions were made in the finale of season one. I'm also in the middle of reading Five Star Weekend, Ellen Hildebrand. That book came out so long ago, and I should have gotten my life together to read it faster, but I didn't. And I'm in the thick of it now. It's a really great summer read. Ellen Hildebrand makes the best summer reads. They all take place in Nantucket. It's the ensemble casts. You're always trying to figure out how everyone web together. Just sweet, easy summer read. I've been loving it, and I want to get through it soon so I can watch the series on Peacock. I can't imagine the series is like great. I feel like a lot of those book adaptations that turn into, you know, those TV series we see always end up being cheesy when you watch them. The book is just always better. It always is. Nevertheless, I'm going to finish the book and I'm going to watch the series. Another show that I heard was fantastic is Elle. I think it's on Prime. You know, that's the prequel of Legally Blonde. It takes place in the 90s, which I hear is like really well done. It's about Elle moving from California to Portland and falling in love with someone. I don't even know what or who, but I've heard really good things. People really love it. And I've heard that the actress is fantastic at being Reese Witherspoon, being Elle. Did that sentence make sense? Anyways. I feel like there were so many other things I wanted to discuss. By the way, I keep drinking my iced coffee, fully knowing that it's like numbing my mouth. If I'm talking weird, blame the coffee. But I need it. I need it today. I can't say no. Well, what I wanted to talk about today is this feeling of conflicting emotions. It's funny, when I recorded the episode from last week that I that never saw the light of day, I was talking about how I wanted to normalize not having fun. And it's because that's where I felt last week. At the bottom of the barrel. I was not having fun in motherhood, period. And while sitting in that feeling, it was me realizing that like two things can be true. And this is so dumb. This is common sense. Just saying it out loud and talking about it made me feel a little bit more normal. What I'm trying to say was like basically having those contradictory thoughts every single day, the high thought and the low thought. And thinking, which one am I going to choose right now in this moment? And then realizing it's actually okay to just live in both. Again, I sound like a word salad. Let me just explain what I'm trying to say. I felt like if you're really grateful, you can't complain. Or if you miss something, then that means you want it back, right? Like you want to do that again. Or like if you're living the thing that you always prayed for. If you're living in a dream season, you shouldn't find it difficult. I don't know why. I felt like this should be black and white. Last week I was thinking about this and I was feeling so guilty for living in this season that was everything I prayed for. Again, a dream season, we'll call it. And I was still really struggling in it. But it's like, hello, that's not how life works. It shouldn't be either or. It's okay to feel the highs and lows about the season you're in at the exact same time. And I think this is what motherhood is teaching me currently. Like, I love being Andy's mom more than anything in the world right now. I love it. I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with the season. And I'm so grateful to be in the season. But there's also days where I'm like, holy heck, this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It challenges me in ways that I did not expect. And I feel stretched in ways that I didn't prepare for or didn't think could happen. I feel like people who are moms and who have been moms for a while are like, welcome to the party. This is it forever. And I get that. And I'll become used to it. Like you'll find a rhythm in any new season, right? I believe that. But like sometimes I it's the middle of the day and I'm like, oh my God, is it bedtime yet? Is it 7:30 yet? Could I put her to sleep yet? And then it's funny when I do put her to sleep, I'm scrolling through pictures and videos of her being like, oh, I wish she was awake so I could play with her. It's crazy. It's truly crazy. I know I'm not alone in this high and low thought process when it comes to every season of life. Like if you just moved, you could think, oh, I miss where I used to live. I miss the pace of that place. You could be feeling things like, oh my God, I miss my 20s. This is such a thing. I miss being in my 20s. And then you could also be like, wait, I would never want to be 25 again. That was a really hard season for me. That was a tough time. Or like, I love my job, but I'm completely burnt out. Or maybe you worked super hard and you got promoted, and you're finally in this position where you're getting, you have the title bump and you got the pay raise and you got these things that you really worked for. And maybe you're like, oh, I miss when work wasn't my whole life. Like I miss when work wasn't my entire identity. And I didn't need to schedule seeing my friends two weeks in advance. Or maybe it's the opposite. You're working from home now. And you're like, oh my God, I love working from home because I have so much time for myself. But then maybe you're like, wow, I really miss catching up with my coworkers during lunchtime or like listening to them complain about their weekends. I just was having this thought that, like, what I'm trying to say is that these two feelings can be true in the same breath. Like wanting it and being exhausted by it isn't not being grateful for it. It's just what it feels like to actually live inside of that big thing instead of just dreaming about it from the outside, right? Because these are these seasons that we dreamt about. And we sort of look at them as it like with a white picket fence around them, thinking that once I get to this, I'm gonna have it all. You know, once I get that job, that's what we tell ourselves while we're praying and dreaming about these milestones. It's like, well, once I get that number in my bank account, once I hit retirement, once I get the healthy relationship, once I move out of here, it'll all be perfect. And then you get into that season and you're like, um, wait, actually, uh, there's a few things about this that are weird and annoying, and I don't like it. It's almost like dreaming about it is like looking on Instagram, right? It's just the highlight reel. You're only seeing the good stuff. Living in it every hour includes these like really boring and difficult and sort of tedious tasks. And that's just a reminder that like literally everything in life looks like that. There was this part of me last week that felt like the low side of a dream come true season feels like betrayal. Feels like I'm not allowed to complain about the thing that I begged God for. You just feel guilty, right? I'm like, I'm gonna just sit here in guilt for feeling like I'm not super grateful for this in every second. Instead of just being like, actually, you know what? It's okay to say that this is hard and I wanted this. Like, it's totally normal. I think there's a few things we can do to help. And again, I'm talking about those moments where you feel conflicted, like you feel really freaking grateful for it, but you also feel like dang, I miss X, Y, and Z about what I had before I got to this. Like the job you thought about for years. Now on Sunday nights, you like lie awake thinking, oh my God, I'm gonna have no life tomorrow. This week is crazy, but it's like the craziness you prayed for. Or the relationship. Maybe you're in the perfect relationship, but you like miss your old identity in a way. Like you maybe you miss your old routine when it was just you, or that move that you saved up for. You finally made the move, you're in a new city, and now you're like kind of lonely on weekends, and you find yourself walking around and trying to create a new structure, a new routine. It's like both of these things can be true in the same breath, wanting it and being exhausted by it. I feel like one of the ways that we can help normalize this is stop feeling guilty. Like we're done with the guilt tax, you know? I feel like women in particular are so quick to feel guilty. Every time we have a hard time about something, it's like, oh my God, I should not complain about this. I should not complain. I wanted this. It's like getting highlights on your hair and then not being obsessed with them like a month later. And you're like, oh my God, I should not complain. I paid for this. Or maybe you are on vacation and you're just like sort of annoyed. At the type of vacation you chose and planned out. And you're like, oh my God, I should not complain. I'm on vacation. Like, it's okay to complain on vacation. But it feels like the math is broken. Like, you're like, what's wrong with me that I'm complaining on vacation? Wanting something and finding it annoying or finding it hard are two facts that we can experience in the exact same day. And I feel like nobody applies this logic anywhere else. Like you can love your job and you can still hate Mondays. And you can love your partner and still miss having a night alone eating pad thai on the couch. Nobody's gonna secretly accuse us of being a bad spouse or a bad colleague for having those feelings. So I'm telling myself this too. Next time I feel like, oh my God, I should not complain about this. I feel ungrateful. I'm just gonna say it out loud. I'm gonna say, I'm allowed to be tired and still be the person who wanted this. Or like I'm allowed to hate this moment and still love motherhood. Just say it out loud. I'm allowed to hate doing this one task, but still love this job. Maybe hate's a strong word, but you know what I mean. Like say the thing out loud and just be like, you know what? I'm actually allowed to dislike this, even though I love this entire season. I just think as women, we a lot of times sit quietly in this, convinced that something's wrong with us for not being a hundred percent satisfied all the time, instead of just realizing, like, no, this is actually what it feels like to be inside the big thing that I wanted. So I think just saying it out loud will make it feel a little bit better. Even if it sounds absurd. Something like, I'm in this, I'm really tired, and I'm grateful. I'm all three things right now. You can say it to your partner, to a friend, mutter it to yourself in the grocery store in the car. Like, no, it's not something's wrong with me. It's just like, oh no, no, no, this is just a Wednesday. I'm just getting through this Wednesday. I'm in this, I'm tired, and I'm grateful. I'm all three right now. I'm in this, I'm obsessed with it, and I'm frustrated. I'm all three right now. Whatever feelings you have about it, it's okay to say the contradictory thing out loud instead of holding on to it because it almost deflates it like instantly. And sometimes it's also just zooming out and realizing that you're just having a weird week or a weird day. And it's not that this whole season isn't what you thought it'd be. I do this all the time. This is literally what happened to me last week. It's like once I got sleep, I'm like, oh my God, I can do this motherhood thing. I don't have a choice, anyways. But like all it took was a perspective shift and for me to just wake up on the right side of the bed to be like, oh wait, actually, okay, I think I can do this. But zooming out, looking above your whole life, it's like, okay, you're just going through it right now. Like you're having a really weird week. You're not sleeping well, you haven't eaten well, you've been hosting a lot of people, like whatever it is that's been going through in your personal life. Cut yourself some slack and remind yourself that this is probably not the whole season. You're probably just caught up in a few things that are making you feel especially grumpy. Sometimes it just needs sleep, it needs a break, it needs takeout and early bedtime, and tomorrow's gonna look totally different. I feel like I'm I feel like everything I'm saying is so word salad-y. And I'm not trying to sound like all woo-woo about this. I guess I'm just coming from a place of wanting to normalize being in your dream season and still feeling like you're not having fun or you're not living it to the fullest, and you're not being the version of yourself you thought you'd be in that dream season. It's reminding yourself that they were never supposed to be super easy just because we wanted them. I guess I just need to stop treating every emotion like it's like something's wrong. Like it's just fine to feel bad or feel like you're missing something. It's not automatically a sign that like we need to change it up or like that the season we're in isn't the best one. You know what? This is a bit of a crazy thought because it sounds a little negative, but hear me out. I feel like one of the biggest signs of emotional maturity is realizing you don't have to be happy all the time. I've I used to pride myself on being like happy Hannah. I've always been someone who leans towards the cup being half full. Like always, always. It's just like my instinct to look on the positive side. And sometimes it's just like freaking fine to not be happy, to feel like in that moment you're just not having fun. It's becoming someone who's comfortable holding the two truths without feeling like you have to pick one. It doesn't always have to be super simple. Like you could love this and it could be hard. You could miss that thing, but then not want it back. You could be exhausted and grateful. Like, and I this sounds so silly. Like, duh, Hannah, duh, you could do all these things. I think I just needed to say this all out loud in order to feel like this was normal and this was okay, to feel both excited and exhausted. It even comes down to like all the things I'm looking forward to. I find myself being like, oh, I can't wait till Andy can crawl. I can't wait till she's up and walking around and I can put her in ballet classes and all these weird things I'm looking forward to. But then I'm like, oh, wait, but I'm gonna miss when she's this age. I'm constantly feeling like I'm looking at either side of my life and feeling guilty for doing that and not just embracing the current season that I'm in. And I'm like, why can't I just be normal and live in my day-to-day and be really grateful for it and not feel like I miss a chapter I've already passed or I'm already looking forward to a chapter I haven't even gotten to yet. It's like just be in the moment, Hannah. That's why I say that thing about like saying it out loud. You can say out loud, like, I'm in this, I'm having a hard time embracing this season, and I'm grateful for this season. Like, just say the three things. Say that you're in it, say the thing that feels low and say the thing that feels high in any order, because it almost just normalizes it. I don't know. You might be like, Hannah, this is terrible advice, and maybe it is. Anyways, oh my goodness. I feel like that was just a mouthful of nonsense. I hope that resonated with at least one person out there today. Um, uh, if there's anything you take away from this episode, I hope that it's just that we all stop trying so hard to decide which feeling is like the right one that we should be following. And just knowing we don't have to choose between being overwhelmed and being grateful or like missing your old life and loving your current one. We can make room for all of these emotions in the exact same day, and it can be normalized. Like normalize loving your life and not having fun at the same time. Okay, well, I think that's where I'm gonna leave it today. I feel like that was my brain over caffeinated, talking in circles. I hope that made just a little bit of sense to someone. But as always, thank you guys so much for listening. It genuinely means so much. I am so, so, so grateful for every one of you who listens to this podcast. If this episode resonated with you, if you have any thoughts about it, your highs and lows, feel free to damn me. Always. You guys can always message me on Instagram. I'd love to hear from you guys. Anytime I hear from someone who is like in the wild listening to my podcast, I want to give you a big old kiss on the mouth. I cannot thank you enough. Uh, but I hope everyone has a great week ahead. I hope you give yourself some grace this week. I hope something fantastic happens to you this week. And I can't wait to talk to you guys next week. Bye for now. Thanks, friends.